Congratulations! Just by living in a no-snow zone, you’re
smarter than 80% of the American population. That also means you’ve got
a phonebook of friends, relatives, and other moochers all desperate to escape
slush and sleet for the Land of a Thousand Golf Courses by asking you, “When’s
a good time for us come down?!” You’ll put them off as long as possible, but
eventually, they WILL come down. And here’s all the stuff you'll need to fill
them in on...
1. Haboobs: they’re real
And really scary. Haboobs --
fancy-speak for terrifying dust storms -- brown out the sky with dirt and
debris, and blow around 30mph. That means you don’t even see the beer can
flying into your face. On the upside, they make for cool Instagram shots!
2. “But it’s a dry heat!” makes our ears bleed
A dry heat just means you can feel
your skin burning and your contacts morphing into sandpaper as you blink. So
stop saying it like it’s a good thing.
3. Parking lots are valiant battles for shade
We’ll take a spot 2mi away in the
shade before we pull into a convenient spot in the sun. And by
"shade" we mean "a 2in sliver of darkness from a baby
tree."
4. We’re not embarrassed of our shrubs...
... we’re just wrapping them up mummy-style with shade
cloth because they can’t take the heat.
5. Our highways are strangely circular
Am I going North on the 101 South or
South on the 101 North? I don’t know, but I’ve passed WestWorld three times
already.
6. … But we can absolutely drive in a dust storm
with zero visibility
Put this baby on cruise
control!
7. Our drivers licenses don’t expire till we’re 65
Too bad our leathery, sun-beaten
faces will resemble the wallet more than the license photo.
8. Yes, that is a gun in the grocery store
Arizona’s famously lenient gun laws
protect the right to openly carry a firearm permit-free in most places. So when
you see a shopper in the produce section packin’ heat, don’t fight him over
that last bunch of bananas.
9. We don’t have basements. Or sewers. Or tall
buildings.
All of those would require costly digging into rock-solid
earth. So we’re quite happy with flooded streets and Christmas decorations in
our pantry, thanks.
10. Step away from the cactus
A) it's sharp. And, B) we’re fiercely
protective of our beloved Saguaro cacti -- even property owners have to get a
permit to move one -- so save your “Jack + Diane 4-EVER” carving for a stupid,
lame oak tree.
11. We don’t have cold tap water in July
The pipes are hot. Get an ice
cube.
12. We don’t observe daylight saving time
Since Indiana adopted daylight saving
in 2006, we’re the only state in the lower 48 that doesn’t switch our clocks.
Why? Uh, maybe because we're not all 19th-century farmers?
13. We are SO not joking about airplane windows
You land at Sky Harbor, you LOWER
YOUR DAMN WINDOW SHADE, Okay? DO YOU WANT TO DIE IN COACH?!
14. Green grass is overrated
Dead, brown grass blends nicely with the desert colors.
Better yet, stick to crushed rock for your front lawn. It's perfect for the
kids’ pick-up soccer games!
15. It’s really dark at night, on purpose
Maricopa County’s Dark Sky Ordinances
prohibit visible bulbs or lighting that shines upward. A dark sky is a starry
sky! And that’s good for all the peeps out there spending their Saturday night
romancing a telescope.
16. Our pronunciation needs work
For a city so close to the border,
our Spanish accent sucks: the city of Casa Grande is pronounced “Casa Grand,”
not GRAHN-day like you learned in Spanish 101. Oh, and that shady getaway up
North is PRESS-cut, not the more WASP-y pronunciation of Prescott.
17. We have suicide lanes, and they’re terrifying
You should really pay attention to
the traffic signs on arteries like 7th St and 7th Ave during rush hour: in the
morning, the center lanes run South; in the afternoon, they run North; and
they’re a damn free-for-all the rest of the day. Assuming head-on collisions
aren’t a hobby, stay in your lane.
18. We don’t really have the most plastic surgery
in the country
Jeez, guys, we’re not that superficial. We have the fourth-most
plastic surgery in the country (behind Miami, San Francisco, and Beverly
Hills).
19. Our lizards are your squirrels
Acceptably cute, pretty much
everywhere.
20. Nobody can drive in the rain…
Woah, woah, woah. Is that a droplet of water?! Two droplets?! Well then, I
guess I’d better drive 10mph until I reach the safety of my carport.
21. It’s totally normal to live next door to a
horse
Many homes in Metro Phoenix enjoy
“horse privileges,” which allow you to board horses at homes on decent-sized
lots, as long as you keep the smell and flies in check.
22. We do wear coats
And hats, scarves and boots. When it’s 50 degrees. Brrrr!
PUBLISHED ON 1/14/2015 BY JESSICA
PUCCI
